ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
