is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
