Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Bring me that man meat
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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