My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
