Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
What a dumb baby whore.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
