This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
