Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
