genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
