I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You are a genius and a whore.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
