Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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