new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize