Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
