im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
