I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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