Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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