chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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