if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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