I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
