I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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