Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize