New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
