The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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