your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
