you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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