I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
