think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
