she was so not down for the gang bang
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She told me I should be a condom model.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
