Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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