Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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