do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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