I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
