Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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