addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
