He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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