I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
