So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
