I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
