I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
