Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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