You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
