I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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