I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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