that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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