You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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