Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
