I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize