dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
