So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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