i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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