Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
