sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think my vagina is haunted
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
