My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
