i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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