Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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