She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
