There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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