yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
