Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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