if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
