I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
