My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
